[chrisbard]

APPLE: Hi, thanks for calling Apple. My name is Abraham. Do you have your serial number handy?

JH: No.

APPLE: Okay, I can help you find it. Is your computer up and running now?

JH: Yes.

APPLE: What color is the apple in the top left corner? Is it blue?

JH: I don't see an apple.

APPLE: In the top-left corner, the apple? Is it blue, or multi-colored?

JH: Right, there's no apple.

APPLE: In the very top-left corner?

JH: I know which corner is the top-left. There's no apple there.

APPLE: What do you see?

JH: I see a piece of paper with an E.

APPLE: Which screen are you looking at?

JH: My computer screen.

APPLE: No, I mean, what does your screen say?

JH: It says "Larger Balls and Penis, More Satisfaction."

APPLE: I'm sorry?

JH: I think I'm in e-mail. I keep getting these dirty ads in my Windows e-mail. Do you know how to turn them off?

APPLE: What kind of computer is this? Do you have an Apple?

JH: No, it's an IBM.

APPLE: You're calling for support on an IBM?

JH: No, I'm trying to get iTunes to play on my IBM.

APPLE: Oh, I see--

JH: I am trying to buy music online so I do not have to steal it illegally. I went to your iTunes site and downloaded the software, but my computer won't play it.

APPLE: Yeah, you're right, it won't. You need -- just a minute here -- I'm pretty sure you can't download iTunes music and play it on a PC. Let's see here. [pause] You could use MusicMatch Jukebox software, but you'd need an iPod in order to use it.

JH: Can I buy music through MusicMash?

APPLE: I'm pretty sure you can't. Let me take a look here. [pause] No, it's showing here that you cannot. You have to have an Apple. Let's see here -- bear with me here. [pause] Okay, so what you're going to need is a Mac computer running Mac OS X; otherwise, you won't be able to access iTunes Music Store.

JH: How do I buy music online, then?

APPLE: You'd have to go somewhere else other than iTunes Music Store. There's other places you can buy music -- I think buymusic.com is one of them. You'll just have to pull up a search engine and find them that way.

JH: You can't mail me a song on a floppy disk?

APPLE: Not through iTunes Music Store. You have to access it through iTunes. We can't do that for you.

JH: Why don't you guys support PCs?

APPLE: Because we're Apple.

JH: ...

APPLE: We do in some other ways, like if you have an iPod, we'd give you software to use it, but with our applications, we support our applications on our computers.

JH: Should I just start up Kazaa and steal my music?

APPLE: No, I can't say you should do that, but I'm saying iTunes Music Store isn't the only place you can buy songs.

JH: I was reading your website, and it said "shop till you bop." I really just want to, uh, shop till I bop. You're saying I can't shop till I bop?

APPLE: No, you can't. Because you have a PC.

JH: So there will be no bopping without an Apple.

APPLE: That's right, sir.

JH: Isn't it more expensive to buy an Apple than just buying the CD?

APPLE: Like I said again, there are places out there where you can download music on a Windows machine, same thing as iTunes, but for the PC. Not sure if it's exactly the same, but it's similar.

JH: I really want to shop til I bop.

APPLE: I'll be happy to sell you an Apple.

JH: I don't want an Apple. They're too heavy.

APPLE: We have some light ones too, like an iBook.

JH: I heard that iBooks can only be used in Starbucks.

APPLE: Well, in that case, I'm not sure what to say, but that's about all I can do for you. Okay?

JH: Could you hum the songs to me?

APPLE: NO.