Today's joke !

[bonesaw]

my first joke of the day


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.






'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.



Is something bothering you?'


'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.



'


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.



'


'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.



'


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.



'


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

' 1955, ma'am.



'


'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.





Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.



'


The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.



'

(Gotta love military time)

[Daniel ~]

Yet another example of why Sergeants run the army!
(They keep and make good time.":O}

[ccperf721p]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor
told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his
pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to
examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia

'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once
more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the
right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to
walk a round the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The
midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys
were no longer aching.

The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'

The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What
did you do?'

The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots.'

[MUff1N]

Originally Posted by chrisbard

I am a little dizzy...

Hamster esuand pe roata - Video COOL

Man, that Hamster is FAST!!! If you were to race him you'd win!!!
I've had hamster's before, but they never ran that fast in the wheel!

[Daniel ~]

Originally Posted by ccperf721p

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor
told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his
pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to
examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia

'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once
more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the
right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to
walk a round the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The
midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys
were no longer aching.

The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'

The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What
did you do?'

The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots.'

I guess if I can kick myself in the ass....A midget could... get a poor fit in boots? ":O}

[ccperf721p]

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a
flight to Texas .. After the plane took off, the cowboy
asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if
he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied,
'I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by
women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips.' The
cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice..'

[Daniel ~]

LOL

OK here's a old one, but a favorite of mine in return:

A Man and woman were having difficulties conceiving. Having been married a while he had more and less lost interest...

So the doctor they consulted gave him a prescription to help his interest along. They then made another appointment so they could tell the Doc how things went.

The Doc knew they had scored the moment they walked in...she was flush with beauty and excitement!

As soon as they sat down she began gushing about the most exciting sex she had ever experienced!

We were eating dinner she giggled and then he suddenly leaped up and grabbed me up into his arms and tore the table cloth off the table laid me out across the table and swearing his un-dieing love for me made the most passionate love I've ever known!

The Doctor was of course very pleased. He then turned to the man and asked if there was anything he was concerned about?

The man looked down at his shoes and mumbled...well... we can never go back to that restaurant again...

[ccperf721p]

That's a good one...

This turned up in my inbox today... A little long but worth the read..

Garden grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. *Here's why..............

* * * * * * * A couple in Swee****er , Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

* * * * * * * It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. *When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

* * * * * * * She let out a very loud scream.

* * * * * * * The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. *She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

* * * * * * * He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. *He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

* * * * * * * His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

* * * * * * * The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

* * * * * * * About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. *That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

* * * * * * * The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. *He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. *Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

* * * * * * * But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. *She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

* * * * * * * The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

* * * * * * * The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

* * * * * * * The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

* * * * * * * By now, the police had arrived.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * (Breathe here......)

* * * * * * * They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were
* * * * * * * about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

* * * * * * * The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

* * * * * * * Now, *the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. *He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. *The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

* * * * * * * The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

* * * * * * * Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. *The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

* * * * * * * Time passed! *Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

* * * * * * * A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

* * * * * * * And that's when he shot her.

[chrisbard]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at
the door.



When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,



'You Sign! You sign!'



Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.



Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,



'You Sign! You sign!'



Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.



The next day he hears a knock at the door again.



When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.



The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.



On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled,
consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent
ready)



'You not Nissan Main Deala?

[PorPorMe]

OH, God save us!

[Daniel ~]

Oh no you didn't!! LOL

[chrisbard]

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"