Today's joke !

[chrisbard]

A man was badly constipated, and had been for several weeks, so he went to a doctor to try to alleviate his problem. The doctor prescribed suppositories, and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.

When he got home, he quickly took a suppository, swallowing it down with a glass of water. After four hours, nothing happened, but he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one down, hoping that he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.

When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed:

"What the hell are you doing? Swallowing them?"

The man replied, sarcastically:

"NO, I'M SHOVING THEM UP MY ASS!!!!"

[Samuknow]

Hmmmm....Yeah yeah....

[chrisbard]

Here is Redbear's girlfriend doing the dance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7I2_gXnG24&eurl=

[Samuknow]

can't stop laughing...That was great Chris...

[chrisbard]

A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over.

He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?"

[chrisbard]

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours
and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the
corner.

One says to the other, "jeez, i'd really like to dance with that
girl."

The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken
s***."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you
be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i'm sorry. right now i'm
contemplating on matrimony, and i'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend
"so what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "she said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather
s*** in her pants."

[chrisbard]

Not for kids !!!

Super Jerk



Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the empire state building
when the first man turns to the other and says, "you know, last week i
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall
to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry
you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "what are you a nut? there is no way that could happen."


"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street
below. when he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the
building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up
to the bar. he met the second man, who looked quite astonished.

"You know, i saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke."

"No, i'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. again just
as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, i'll try it!"

He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th
floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says "you know,
superman, sometimes you can be a real a******."

[Samuknow]

LOL

Now that's just wrong...

[Wolf2000me]

Three rich blokes are in a bar bragging to each other what they bought their wives.

The first one starts. He sais: "Last week I bought my wife something that pulls up from 0 to 100 in 10 seconds".
So what did you buy then, ask both other rich blokes?
"The newest Porche 911", he replies.

The second man sais he can beat that. He continues: " Last week I bought my wife something that pulls up from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds".
Both other guys look a bit surprised, so the second man continues:
"It's the latest Ferrari".

The third man, visibly annoyed sais: "I'll beat you both" and he continues: "Last week I bought my wife something that pulls up from 0 to 100 in one second."
Both other guys look totally surprised and ask him what it is.












"A weighing scale" he replies with a sarcastic grin on his face.

[Favu]

Haha, nice one

[chrisbard]

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."

[Samuknow]

That's messed up.....lol

[chrisbard]

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second.

"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."


______________________


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

[Samuknow]

LMAO.....

That is great

[chrisbard]

Insulting Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said. "Yes?" "You know."

[cloasters]

Hee, hee, hee. Good one, thanks Chris.