Today's joke !

[chrisbard]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

On another day, This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For awhile things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,"Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on near 1800 W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

[Favu]

LOL, that's just far too harsh.

[Samuknow]

That is just too great.

[Wolf2000me]

When one does that to people, eventhough they're jackasses, aren't you a jackass yourself? Better give us your number Chris, so we can try your feel good trick ourselves

[Samuknow]

Now that's a good idea. Something Chris can use his talent for. Helping us feel better.

[chrisbard]

0040741371161

[cloasters]

I must be honest. This is the funniest joke I've read in a long time, you DA man, Chris!

Someone has been calling me nearly every day for years, their end of the phone usually clicks off as soon as I pick up my end. Proving it's pre-meditated harassment. Since I got Caller ID, they haven't called once. How do they know I got Caller ID? Answer: it was the gawed dammmed gummint! Proving that they should be spending their time more profitably. Sometimes spending 15% more for your phone service is well worth it.

Am I certain that it was the G-man goon squad? No. But it's mighty fishy that this years long hasslement stopped so suddenly.

[chrisbard]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"



A man takes the day off from work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot, when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron."

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove that the frog is wrong. He puts his first club back into his bag and grabs his 9 iron. Boom!!!

He drives the ball within ten inches of the cup! The man is shocked and says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, hunh?" The frog replied, "Lucky frog. Ribbit."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" he asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The man takes out the 3 wood. Boom!!

A hole in one! The man is totally befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best day in his whole life. He asks the frog, "Where to next?" and the frog replied, "Las Vegas. Ribbit."

They go to Las Vegas and the man says, "Okay, frog. Now what?" The frog responded, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet, frog?" The frog says, "Ribbit. $3,000. Black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures, what the heck? Boom!!! A mountain of cash comes sliding back to him across the table! He takes his winnings and checks into the finest suite in the casino's hotel. The man sets the frog down on a table and says, "Frog, I don't know how I can ever repay you. You won me the best golf game of my life, and now all of this money. I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." The man figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves at least a kiss. With the kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous fifteen year old girl.

"And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room..."

[chrisbard]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read

'Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one that read

'Sloans Liniments remove Swelling'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read

'William Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read

'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident'."

He won the case.

__

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

[Favu]

Lol, nice finds chris

[Samuknow]

Nice to start the day off with a good laugh....Thanks Chris.

[Daniel ~]

Originally Posted by Wolf2000me

Three priests are flying on a plane looking at the scenery below. Pretty soon they start linking it to faith.
When they pass over the sea the first priest starts to utter. He sais:
"Man I wish the peoples faith was like this ocean here".
The two other priests nod and ask him for a litte elaboration. So he explains:
"If the peoples faith was as deep as oceans and as full of life, the world would be in much better shape".
The other two agree and applaude him on his words.

After some hours the plane flies over the desert. This time it's the 2nd priest who feels the urge for some symbolism and he sais:
"I wish the peoples faith was like this desert".
Again the other two priests ask for an explanation so he continues:
"If the peoples faith would be like this desert, so hot and endless we would really have an easier job".
The other two priests give him an approving look and nod their heads.

20 minutes later over the desert they pass over a large cactus field. This triggers the third priests imagination. He looks over the cactus field and starts to talk:
"I wish the peoples faith was like this cactus field here"
The other two priests look at eachother because they don't seem to understand. So the third priest continues:








"They would at least not wipe their ar$es with it!"

BRAVO! LOL!

[Daniel ~]

Best collection I've read in a long time! ":O}

[chrisbard]

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"

[Samuknow]

And then he killed the parrot.....

great one Chris...