Today's joke !

[chrisbard]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
__

Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?

A: One -- because men will screw anything.

[chrisbard]

APPLE: Hi, thanks for calling Apple. My name is Abraham. Do you have your serial number handy?

JH: No.

APPLE: Okay, I can help you find it. Is your computer up and running now?

JH: Yes.

APPLE: What color is the apple in the top left corner? Is it blue?

JH: I don't see an apple.

APPLE: In the top-left corner, the apple? Is it blue, or multi-colored?

JH: Right, there's no apple.

APPLE: In the very top-left corner?

JH: I know which corner is the top-left. There's no apple there.

APPLE: What do you see?

JH: I see a piece of paper with an E.

APPLE: Which screen are you looking at?

JH: My computer screen.

APPLE: No, I mean, what does your screen say?

JH: It says "Larger Balls and Penis, More Satisfaction."

APPLE: I'm sorry?

JH: I think I'm in e-mail. I keep getting these dirty ads in my Windows e-mail. Do you know how to turn them off?

APPLE: What kind of computer is this? Do you have an Apple?

JH: No, it's an IBM.

APPLE: You're calling for support on an IBM?

JH: No, I'm trying to get iTunes to play on my IBM.

APPLE: Oh, I see--

JH: I am trying to buy music online so I do not have to steal it illegally. I went to your iTunes site and downloaded the software, but my computer won't play it.

APPLE: Yeah, you're right, it won't. You need -- just a minute here -- I'm pretty sure you can't download iTunes music and play it on a PC. Let's see here. [pause] You could use MusicMatch Jukebox software, but you'd need an iPod in order to use it.

JH: Can I buy music through MusicMash?

APPLE: I'm pretty sure you can't. Let me take a look here. [pause] No, it's showing here that you cannot. You have to have an Apple. Let's see here -- bear with me here. [pause] Okay, so what you're going to need is a Mac computer running Mac OS X; otherwise, you won't be able to access iTunes Music Store.

JH: How do I buy music online, then?

APPLE: You'd have to go somewhere else other than iTunes Music Store. There's other places you can buy music -- I think buymusic.com is one of them. You'll just have to pull up a search engine and find them that way.

JH: You can't mail me a song on a floppy disk?

APPLE: Not through iTunes Music Store. You have to access it through iTunes. We can't do that for you.

JH: Why don't you guys support PCs?

APPLE: Because we're Apple.

JH: ...

APPLE: We do in some other ways, like if you have an iPod, we'd give you software to use it, but with our applications, we support our applications on our computers.

JH: Should I just start up Kazaa and steal my music?

APPLE: No, I can't say you should do that, but I'm saying iTunes Music Store isn't the only place you can buy songs.

JH: I was reading your website, and it said "shop till you bop." I really just want to, uh, shop till I bop. You're saying I can't shop till I bop?

APPLE: No, you can't. Because you have a PC.

JH: So there will be no bopping without an Apple.

APPLE: That's right, sir.

JH: Isn't it more expensive to buy an Apple than just buying the CD?

APPLE: Like I said again, there are places out there where you can download music on a Windows machine, same thing as iTunes, but for the PC. Not sure if it's exactly the same, but it's similar.

JH: I really want to shop til I bop.

APPLE: I'll be happy to sell you an Apple.

JH: I don't want an Apple. They're too heavy.

APPLE: We have some light ones too, like an iBook.

JH: I heard that iBooks can only be used in Starbucks.

APPLE: Well, in that case, I'm not sure what to say, but that's about all I can do for you. Okay?

JH: Could you hum the songs to me?

APPLE: NO.

[cloasters]

Rates a better than courtesy chuckle. It's Friday. Duh. Little hope without dope. Used to be my marching song eighteen years ago. Whew, glad that's over!

[Daniel ~]

Even moneythe caller was the guy sitting in the cubical next to him! ":O}

[harrybard]

http://happytreefriends.atomfilms.co...episode=antics

Loooooook.....

[Samuknow]

Oh my....Happy tree friends....My kids love this stuff....

[raphael2040]

Oh, yes, the joy of Happy Tree Friends.

Quite fantastic, really.

[cloasters]

LOL! Worth the click!

[Daniel ~]

I know I've gained new respect for our ant friends!

[Wolf2000me]

Warning: This joke should normally be told orally but here it goes.

Life is s|-|it:

A little kid goes to his grandfather and tells him: "Grampa, I think life is s|-|it".
The old man tells him not to tell nonsense and begins talking old man wisdom:
When you are born there are two options. Either you are a boy or a girl.
If you are a girl, there's no problem. If you are a boy there are two options:
Either you will join the army or you won't. If you won't there's no problem, if you do there are two options:
Either the country goes to war or it doesn't. If it doesn't, no problem. If it does there are two options:
Either you go to the front or you don't. If you don't, no problem. If you do there are two options:
Either you get killed or you don't. If you don't, no problem. If you do there are two options:
Either you get burried alone or you get burried in a mass grave. If you get burried in a mass grave, no problem. If you get burried alone there are two options:
Either something grows on your grave or nothing grows on your grave. If nothing grows on your grave, no problem. If something grows on your grave you have two options:
Either it's a tree or it's not a tree. If it's not a tree, no problem. If it's a tree you get two options:
Either they leave you standing or they cut you down. If they leave you standing, no problem. If they cut you down, you get two options:
Either they make paper out of you or some piece of furniture. If it's a piece of furniture, no problem. If it's paper you get two options:
Either they make writing paper out of you or you become toilet paper. If you become writing paper, no problem. If you become toilet paper, well then you are right to say life is s|-|it.

[Samuknow]

The circle of life....lol

[Daniel ~]

Sometimes it doesn't pay to ask the 'ol guy! ":O}

[chrisbard]

What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it out for a drag.

Disclaimer: No dogs were harmed during this joke !

[Strongwolf]

I think I loss my sense of humor.

[Wolf2000me]

Why do we call black people "coloured folks"?

When a white person gets sick he turns green.
When a white person is angry he turns red.
When a white persion is dead he turns pale.

When a black person gets sick he remains black
When a black person is angry he remains black
When a black persons dies he remains black.

Who the hell are the coloured folks here huh?

[Daniel ~]

Whoever controls the dictionary gets to make up the definitions...

Even if we loose all meaning to words without honor or heart...we define ourselves in defining others.

[Wolf2000me]

Originally Posted by Daniel ~

Whoever controls the dictionary gets to make up the definitions...

Even if we loose all meaning to words without honor or heart...we define ourselves in defining others.

Now that's what I call an answer to the question

[chrisbard]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office...whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read,


Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read.


Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office....

PS THE DOG is fine