Today's joke !

[Daniel ~]

But think of the fun we will have watching 11 year olds punching the crap out of MS security! LOL

[danrok]

Microsoft has admitted that speech recognition features in Vista could be hijacked so that a PC tells itself to delete files or folders.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6320865.stm

You can't make this stuff up!

[Daniel ~]

Your right! Only Bill can make this stuff up! LOL

"Microsoft said the exploit was "technically possible" but there was no need to worry.

The firm has pointed out that in order for the flaw to be exploited the speech recognition feature would need to be activated and configured and both microphone and speakers would have to be switched on."

In other words you'd have to use it....it's a lot like an OS that way. LOL!

[Wolf2000me]

Originally Posted by danrok

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6320865.stm

You can't make this stuff up!

ROFL!
A job requirement for working at Microsoft is probably a very vivid imagination

[Wolf2000me]

A Frenchman, a Belgian and a Dutchman are set to go on a safari in Africa. In their letter from the travel agency there is a note that asks them to bring protection against lions and other wild animals.
While they are in transit to the meeting place with their safari guide they begin to talk.
First the Frenchman asks the Belgian what he brought for protection and he answers: "I brought here this camouflage, I'll just wear it and hide when I see any wild animals." And then he asks the Frenchman what he brought. The Frenchman answers: "I brought a gun. When a wild animal threathens me I just shoot it".
Then they both turn to the Dutchman asking him what he brought for protection.
"I brought a large bag of potatoes." he replies.
Both the Belgian and the Frenchman look at him surprised. "You're going to have to explain that" The Frenchman sais. And so the Dutchman continues:
"When I see a large predator I take my bag of potatoes and start running as hard as I can. Then after a while I throw it away and then I can run even faster!".

[chrisbard]

AHAHAAHA, no really tickle me I want to laugh...Belgium humour

Now a good one

Old Ladies' Noggins

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

[cloasters]

Another good one, thanks chrisbard!

[chrisbard]

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

[chrisbard]

Snake Bite

"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.

"Why?" asked the second.

"Because I just bit my lip."
__________________________________________
CIA test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

_______________________________
A man and woman are driving...

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

[chrisbard]

A man has six children...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Wolf2000me]

Thanks Chris

[Daniel ~]

I'm sure she ended a lot of things that night. But why was I the only one who had to leave town? ":O}

[chrisbard]

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."

Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.

Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."

The little man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.
_____________________________________________

The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
_____________________________________________

Shoplifting

A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.

Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"

The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven't heard any complaints."

______________________________________________

Here is the joke of the day

Language Barriers

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

[Daniel ~]

You should be ban for that last one....I just haven't figured out why yet! ":O}

[chrisbard]

Originally Posted by Daniel ~

You should be ban for that last one....I just haven't figured out why yet! ":O}

Should chrisbard be banned?

[Strongwolf]

I'm with Daniel in this one. Bad jokes deserve punishment.

[Quickbeam177]

Father Time told me to tell you that... I'mma blow myself up in the next three minutes and forty-two seconds if I keep drinking whiskey.

[chrisbard]

Whiskey no good ! Jokes are good, fresh air is good !!! Water even !!!

[Wolf2000me]

An old peasant decides to enter a competition in the local newspaper.
To his amazement he wins the grand prize. A half hour flight in a small airplane.
The next day he gets invited to go to an airstrip where the pilot and plane are waiting for him. He gets in the plane and off they go.
After a bit of flying around the pilot decides to take it to the next level and starts doing loopings.
Every single time the plane starts the looping the peasant sais: "I knew it!". And every time the plane is upside down he sais: "Didn't know that!".
So eventually they land after a while but the pilot is interested and asks the peasant. "So, what did you know or didn't know man?"
And the peasant sais: "I knew I was going to pee my pants out of fear". "But I didn't know it would run upto my neck! "