Today's joke !

[Daniel ~]

She didn't live next door?
She was one fast runner?
No gay bars where you live?
She lived next door, but so does her father?
You forgot how to turn around?
You ran out of fuel and couldn't make 1301?
They were going to strip you naked and offer you up to Bazool Demon of the Desert on your 18th? And your shy?

I give up why did you drive 1300km interstate on the day of your 18th?

[chrisbard]

No really why did you do that?

[Rondog]

Cos my 18th birthday was the first day of 'schoolies week'. An Australian coming of age type of thing. Google it.

Schoolies is best on the Gold Coast, which is 1300km from where I live.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schoolies_week

[chrisbard]

Lol I almost thought something else How are you Ronnie btw?

[chrisbard]

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
ship after a big night
ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over
himself. Pointing to an
apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in
the brig for vomiting
on me!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that
the young seaman
had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also **** in
your pants."

[chrisbard]

A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher
asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the
Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have
done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be
the Bull".

[cloasters]

Originally Posted by chrisbard

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
ship after a big night
ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over
himself. Pointing to an
apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in
the brig for vomiting
on me!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that
the young seaman
had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also **** in
your pants."

LOL! Hope you have a treat, great, that is vacation, chris!

[Samuknow]

Originally Posted by chrisbard

A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher
asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the
Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have
done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be
the Bull".

[chrisbard]

PMSL the bull can solve the "heat" problem not the father

[Samuknow]

I think I had a slow moment there.

Thanks for explaining.

[Daniel ~]

Not a country boy then Sam? ":O}

[Samuknow]

Guess not. Holy cow. I hate blond moments.

[Daniel ~]

Just think how short our lives would be without them!!....":O}

[chrisbard]

New Office Work Rules

1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept
your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this
practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all
of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything
removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed
certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange
for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can
let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach
someone else your job.

5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order, for instance, those with surnames beginning with
"A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable
to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes around again.

6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do
enough.

7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.

[Samuknow]

Number 8 is the best. we should all live by that rule.

[Daniel ~]

Ah Chris, here in the Good "ol US of A, those are the OLD rules we still live and die by...

[chrisbard]

Joke 1:

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

(Wait for it!!)............................................. ......





















The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."







Joke 2:

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[Daniel ~]

What was joke one?